Ideal

Nahanap ko na e.
Ang problema, hindi ko maabot.
Hindi ko makuha.

So ano lang 'yon? Pattern? Standard?

Haha. Pangarap?

Closer, Flicker in Flight

Numb

So they say

She is

Numb

She thinks

She is

Analyzing

And now, even careful.

And cautious.

As she'd like to believe

herself

It's a defense.

It's almost a reflex now.

For those that have happened in the past

Made her

 Who she is

And who she is not

Now.

Everyone ought to tell her directly--

Maybe through flourishing words
Maybe through straightforward words

And, then, extravagant gestures.

For she no longer trusts

What she thinks
She perceives.

For the past has taught her to.

She still doubts words.

But she gains greater anxiety
In deciphering gestures.

Together though,

Words

And actions,

There is her assurance.

And then there she might find

In herself,

Trust

And

Feeling.

Again.

And then he might find her as well.

Cold December Nights Again

Stat made my last school day of 2010 a living hell. I definitely have to take the next lectures seriously. That was one bad thing today. Other bad things for today: forgetting my purse at home, not having an umbrella, not having cellphone credits, not having enough money when I want to and need to buy things (shoes, a Samsung Wave, clothes, healthcare products, an A6 Audi), parents who won't call, superduper-crowded malls, trying-hard tweens, jejes, and very long lines at the terminal! And I missed the first night of Simbang Gabi. I fail :( Seriously, I am at my wits end here!

Thank God for the lovely CDC practicumers who made the rainy afternoon so fun with their banats and their groovy playlist! Their stories about the children and the entire practicum experience makes me so excited about practicum! Haha! I really really love FLCD :>

The song above is one of the "groovy" songs we sang and danced to this afternoon. I was a bit thrown aback when I first heard/ saw this two weeks ago. It looks like and sounds like those KPop songs! I found it funny, but then it just grew on me as people around began singing (with actions!) and playing it more and more. And now, I actually find it nice! Super LSS! Maybe it's also because I've grown a little appreciation towards KPop, thanks to Jang Geun Suk and He's Beautiful. Haha! :P

Merry Christmas na! Away with the bad vibes! Embrace the good vibes! ;D

Gravity Falling

Last night was one of the most tiring and stressful nights of my life. Too many songs will qualify for last night's soundtrack. Here are some of them: Sara Bareilles' Gravity as covered by Jill and Dundee, John Mayer's Gravity as covered by Silim.

But there was this one song that definitely gives a good feel to last night's memories. The queer thing about this is that I wasn't able to hear Teacher Micah (my adviser) and her best friend perform this song live last night (maybe I was busy doing some arrangements outside). Luckily, some orgmates were kind enough to record their performance and post it online. It was magical. Their version here. The song's by Brooke Fraser, entitled Deciphering Me :)

Your telescope eyes see everything clearly

My vision is blurred but I know what I heard echoing all around

While I am tuning you in, you are deciphering me

Not such a mystery, not such a faint in a far away sound

In other words, please be true.

After such a long time, I feel so confused yet again. No, it's not about my love life, and I doubt such thing ever exists. But if there is, it's too petty a reason for such immense confusion.

Burn-out. Disappointment. Pressure. Uncertainty. And longing. Especially longing.

I've been running errands for a certain project, and it's burning me out. I am disappointed in the way things have been going, and by the way I myself am handling things and my emotions. I am so pressured, maybe because I don't want to have things half-baked. And now I am uncertain with my capabilities, with the way I've been handling myself, and with the relationships I've had. And I long for security, for a friend to cry on 'cause right now I am breaking down in a big way that I am getting goosebumps.

I miss the security that comes with certainty. I miss the once-nurturing atmosphere. I long for them.

Actually, the past few days was fun. Watching a feel-good Koreanovela over the long weekend really made me giddy all-day today. This is the first time that I've actually found a Korean boy too charming! He can sing, he models, he acts, he speaks English decently, and he plays the piano! He can pull off long gay-ish hair, black eye-liner, and super tight jeans! His smile is just too cute! Plus, he can cook! COOK(Well, so my sister says, all boys in Korea now how to cook daw)! I melt every time. WTH. Pardon me. 

And I've been excited about HP7 too. 

But tonight. I dunno. Tonight's waaaay different. It's just... depressing.

Smile and Look Alive

The hardest thing is rendering a moment moving too fast to endure
But you abide and smile wide cause I want to remember this for sure...


A picture says with sight what we can't say with words.

SCORE!

Defend the Silver Lining

And at long last, SEMBREAK! :D A thousand smiles can never be enough to express the lightness of being I am experiencing. Leaving the last semester behind was very VERY liberating! The sem was pretty much busy and stressful (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually), but it was so worth it!


Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good


:)

We Ought to Learn Somehow

I've never really felt the ache they say that comes from breaking up. Because, well, I've never been with anyone really. But this song hurts.

I've witnessed them though--break-ups. And well, from the looks of it, they hurt--no matter what, though intensities may differ.

Somehow, for someone who's never been really in a relationship, I can relate well enough with this song. Well, most JMayer songs anyway. Half of My Heart, In Your Atmosphere, Comfortable, Edge of Desire, I'm Gonna Find Another You, Perfectly Lonely, Friends Lovers Or Nothing. The list just goes on.

Maybe, in my past life, or in an alternate universe, I have been/ going through a break up. And in some other religion, John Mayer is a god. Maybe! Haha!

The one you always dreamed of

10:12 pm Megs called (Gravity)
10:26 pm Alex called (Why Georgia)
10:43 pm Megs called again! (EDGE OF DESIRE!)

I was there. In spirit :)

On the Warmth of the Warm Hands

If I try to run you'd think I might find it
I don't think there is time
If you wanna go that's your decision
Never been the one that said goodbye

Silvery Sleds - Army Navy

What keeps you going

Taken 12 September 2010 (Just Love YFC West C Sectorcon 2010)

For nothing/ For something/ For everything/ For anything/ 

For no one/ For someone/ For everyone/ For anyone.
For you.

I want sushi!

I only blog here when my feelings are REALLY heightened. Thus....

MY TEETH ARE KILLING ME!

Breathe By Your Looks

I have lots of rotten parts, and I hate it. However, I'd like to believe that I still am beautiful and, hopefully, pretty amazing.

I'm trying to convince myself here because the past days were full of shitty events. I hate having nasal allergy. It makes me feel even more depressed. I hate me hating everything I hate now. Makes me realize how insecure I am.


What a way to start my September blogging.

Half of My Heart Takes Time

I've been taking photos. And I noticed I've been using manual focus. And that I find out-of-focus photos, well, really beautiful for some reason. I like the way that it tells me that some things need not be sharp and clear just to be beautiful.

There is beauty in what is indefinite. In the questionable. In what is unclear. In what seems to be incomprehensible.


We were. We are. We can be. We could have been (more). We still are. We will be. BEAUTIFUL.

Don't I Hold You

ACADS FIRST

Yeah, I'm still here

You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life that things maybe really are black and white! And this guy Ben, who clearly takes you for granted, who serially takes advantage of you, is bad! And what I'm saying is good! See what I mean? You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody. This guy should be right here, right now, doing this...

Aasa ba 'ko sa 'yo?

And once again
A statement
Then
A  question caught me
Off guard.

Ask me again
Sing it to me again.

Maybe next time
I'll have composure.
Maybe
I'll find my voice.
And
I'll find the perfect song
To answer that question
To complement the second song
You told me was your song for me.

But please do tell me, WTH do you want with me?
WHICH PART IS FOR ME?
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,
KANTA KO 'TO SA 'YO BEFORE! Lord please ano nanaman? :(

For you, a thousand times over

        "It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight.

        But I'll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I witnessed the first flake melting.

        I ran."

But I'll take it. With open arms.

Finished it this afternoon. I look forward to reading it again. And again. And again :)

And after me?

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears, 
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest; 
Where can we find two better hemispheres 
Without sharp north, without declining west? 
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally; 
If our two loves be one, or thou and I 
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.



Plus, it's James Franco :)

Come Back And Haunt Me

You inhale.
And I count 1, 2 seconds
And three, you exhale.

And I breathe in the air you breathe out
It does not hold an uncommon scent
But the memory of you
And that smoke
And the air
And our gazes parting the moment they met
Made it intriguing
Unbelievable, quite unforgettable

But I leave things as they were
For there is assurance
We are
              not
                     going
                                  to
                                        happen.

But one could hope.

---

Yesterday was pretty awesome. 124 exam was okay, and our FN11 cinnamon rolls were FTW! (I would have to remind myself of uploads!) Acquaintance party after, and, to top everything off, Kowloon House with Tin, Chato, Jill, Choy, Miggy, Ate Mica, Ate Mela, Santi, Gab, and Paul! Friends, food, fun! :D

The above work is actually inspired by how some of us--yes, maybe that would also include me :) -- could actually be feeling. Lotsa heart aches in the air! Haha. But still, frieeeeends :D

It was an awesome daaayy! :D

I Am Gaining Momentum

It's been quite some time now that something, or anything really, has been going well for me. Studying has never been enough to help me get the grades I want. I've been missing in org activities (and still I'm thinking of joining another, wow). My appetite is as unstable as my mood swings-- I don't know maybe I'm growing some eating (and behavior) disorder. My body's not in condition that I can't even jog at least one full round of the acad oval, or stand after a few shots of, well, I don't really know what we were drinking. Ha. And I just can't get enough sleep-- for many different reasons each night! It's just so frustrating. I've been trying so hard to do things right, meet schedules, beat deadlines, and just make my life as smooth as possible, but it's doesn't seem to be so.


Maybe it is me. That I am trying to hard to get more even when my hands are already full. That I am too stubborn to want the things I want. That I am still too proud to surrender or accept defeat. That I am one big ball of insecurities, and I that what I do is my defense mechanism for it. That I am, still, after everything, not enough for myself.

I start this day with these realizations. It was a rough night last night, one of those I can barely remember, but would certainly make me blush and flush in embarrassment if I am told about it. It was a crazy week; a lot of impulsive moments, kamartiran, disappointments, and kalandian. Good or bad, I dunno. But nonetheless, I am still thankful for such things. 


Cheers to life! Through its highs and lows! And to the friends who help you get drunk, then those who really help  when you just can't handle your drunkenness! 

All of them, all of these, everything, after all, is a blessing (in disguise).

PS I called Tin last night to say sorry and to tell her that she was right. When we got to talk after my Katipunan stint, she told me that I was very unclear over the phone, and that she heard me saying, "I am gaining momentum." Ha. The things that come out of my stupid mouth. Not good. Haha.

On Its Axis

Don't say a word
Just come over and lie here with me
Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it
I'm scared you'll forget about me




Edge of Desire - JMayer

Your Will, Not Mine

I've always wanted to be part of this. I hope it is what You will for me too.

Back to Basics: Metro Manila YCom Weekend

26-27 June 2010 QC Central Post Office

Thank you Vince Ong for this photo :)

First

Just for some reflection.

• Nothing lasts forever no matter how it feels today
• 'Cause though love can change the weather, no act of God can pull me away from you
• Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you, and though I see us through
• Is there a better bet than love?
• What you are is what you breathe
• Chances are only what we make them, and all I need. 

 From Chances by Five For Fighting.

Fish are Friends

But this time around, they are food.











GRR YOU SHOULD BE EATEN! GRRR

Paperweight

I wonder why I feel heavier when I decide to "let go" of something, when some people say that letting go should make you feel better--lighter.






 And I give up
I let you win

Maybe I'm still too stubborn to give it all up this time?

Get Your Courage Up

La Luz, Laiya, Batangas

I've always been scared of deep waters, even though I've taken swimming lessons and learned some strokes as a kid. This morning, I dared myself to conquer my fear. I owe this to the people who helped me in reaching that raft.

You shake the shivers off
You take a drink to get your courage up
Can you believe it
Just this once, just for now
And just like that
It’s over

Oh, Another Social Casualty

And indeed, I am singing "My Stupid Mouth" to myself once again.
No, the regret will all be mine for I know I have said too much
Too much than I should
Too much than what I could
Handle when the words hit back.
Too much, but then just enough
For the world to see
Just how much I am addicted
Just what or who or how
Or, oh, how much, you mean to me.

A mess I made once again.

But then,
Maybe all of it was true
Well at least to me.
It's the way I've perceived
And maybe it's different from how you've yourself.
No I should not feel guilty
But I tell you I do.
No I should not be ashamed
For feeling like I do now.
No I shouldn't.
After all this was a waltz you lead,
And I just followed
And I ended up in places I thought you were leading me to.
If it weren't for you.
But hey maybe I got things wrong
Mistaking actions
Mistaking things
For signals of what they really were
Not.
But the fault isn't just mine after all.
All is ours.
Ours is the fault.

One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just want to be liked; I just want to be funny
Look like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire

So This Is Us

Yesterday morning was quite gloomy-- I was already actually waiting for the rain to fall down. But FR must go on, and so it did. The sun shined, and PreP people were so fun and cool, all my worrying about the FR was soooo unnecessary! The day was gloomy no more. Good bonding time with the PrePpers after the FR, too! Haha. Red is the color of bliss! Ha.


I spent some time reading in a bookstore later that afternoon, while waiting for a concert to start. I picked up a novel entitled Shiver, by Maggie Stiefvater. I've seen it at a book sale in Educ, thought the cover was nice, and promised myself I have to get a copy. So, since I've been given the chance to, I read its first five chapters. And I just wanna share:

        But no matter how long I waited, no matter how hard I tried to reach him, he would always melt into the undergrowth before I could cross the distance between us.
         I was never afraid of him. He was large enough to tear me from my swing, strong enough to knock me down and drag me into the woods. But the ferocity of his body wasn’t in his eyes. I remembered his gaze, every hue of yellow, and I couldn’t afraid. I know he wouldn't hurt me.
         I wanted him to know I wouldn’t hurt him.
         I waited. And waited.


         And he waited, too, though I didn’t know what he was waiting for. It felt like I was the only one reaching out.
         But he was always there. Watching me watching him. Never any closer to me, but never any further away, either.
         And so it was an unbroken pattern for six years the wolves’ hovering presence in the winter and their even more haunting absence in the summer. I didn’t really think about the timing. I thought they were wolves. Only wolves.


--------------------


         I have planned a thousand different versions of this scene in my head, but now that the moment had come, I didn’t know what to do.
...
         My chest ached, my body speaking a language my head didn’t quite understand.
         I waited.
         But Grace, the only person in the world I wanted to know me, just ran a wanting finger over the cover of one of the new hardcovers and walked out of the store without ever realizing I was there, right within reach.

Yeah. How the world works. How drinks can put a person's guard down, and let her reveal her most hurtful hurts, her most woeful woes, her saddest love story. Wow. I never would have known if it weren't for such a cheap social lubricant as The Bar.

How the world works. How the love story of a unique couple can be told in such way that other people can relate to it. How stories, though different, can be so much like yours. Or how a song written for a specific person can be sung to another person in almost, if not, the same intensive emotions.

How the world works. How 150pesos can get you a good coffee, a bun of bread, an ear-and-emotion therapy, and chills when you get to hear some of the sweetest and your most loved songs played live!

How the world works. How a few minutes can make the 24 hours of your day-- or even more of it.

How the world works. How strangers become friends. How a smile can cheer you up. How things can be easier when they're shared in the right way, at the right time, with the right people.

Funny, amazing, wonderful, mysterious. How the world works.

I'm Not Gonna Hurt You

Words.
They lead us to
Expectations.

It's not gonna hurt.
There is something worth waiting for.

Cryptic
Diabolical

Though they fascinate,
They could deceive.
They always
Disappoint.
And they would hurt.

To some extent.
To some intensity.
In some way.

They do.

Because we've been having Vampire Diaries on for three days now. Hm. Am I gonna live through this TV series? So far it's been good. And hot. Thanks to one bad-ass vamp named Damon and one smokin' actor named Ian Somerhalder who plays him. Older, way hotter Chace Crawford hmmm? :> HAAY. Do I have enough self-preservation left to witness more of this vampire shiz?

And Into My Bed

Wow. WOW. WOOOOW.

It's been quite a while since I've realized I haven't basked in summer's glory--well besides for the scorching hot days it has to offer. I have yet to experience the beach, or even a pool, this summer, and it just makes me feel awful. I have yet to go out of town for a real outing, or a retreat-type of trip. Yes, I must get out. Out of this house, out of this city, out of this island. Maybe out of the country (here's to hoping!).

Well, I have to thank summer classes and YFC things for keeping me so busy. But I guess things will lie low soon, so I'll have some ray of beach sunshine in while. Hopefully. I need some relaxation time, away from the busy, noisy, smoky, polluted streets of the Metro. I'd love to lie down on a white-sand beach. Sigh.

After stressing out over weight lifting (which I secretly enjoy doing anyway), and EDFD, and UP PreP (which is slowly losing my attention), and the Youth Camp, and my grandparent's wedding preps (which are still not over BTW!), and adjusting to braces, and dealing with unbelievable boys, I could really use some R & R.BIG SIGH.

I so want to go somewhere else and sleep and drink and read and swim and dance and sing and smile and sleep. And rest. BIGGER SIGH. I'm tired. BIGGEST SIGH.

I'm dancing til dawn
I'm fooling around
I'm not giving up
I'm making your love
This city's made us crazy and we must get out
This is not goodbye she said
It is just time for me to rest my head
She does not walk she runs instead
Down these jagged streets and into my bed

Perceived Realities

Blessings, Fears, Hopes, Drives

Before I go to bed tonight (or this morning), I'm taking this time to blog, with the hope that doing so will help me clear up my super saturated mind.

First of all, I am feeling so blessed--in a way that it is making me tear up. I could not remember any time before that I felt this much appreciation and gratefulness towards God for blessing my grandparents, especially Inay and Tatay, such long lives and a lasting relationship. I am just so thankful He makes me want to improve myself, and he gives me opportunities to lead, and to make more of myself, and of people. Though I feel the unworthiness so much, I just can't help but feel so grateful.

Of course there is fear too; fear of losing these things I am just so blessed to have in my life. Losing them. Failing them. Fear in their uncertainty. Fear in my uncertainty. Fear in the uncertainty of everything. I am just so scared to let all these blessings, these opportunities, slip away. I hope I could grasp everything, I can make all these things work out. I am scared. Nervous. And unsure.

But I hope. I hope that I would see these through. Hope in God. Hope in people. Hope that I won't be hopeless. Hope that things will turn out right. But I hope that hope won't get the better of me either. False hopes in people. False hopes in what people tell you about people. False hopes that I get from my own biased interpretations of other people or things. I hope I do not hope too much that it'll make me so stuck on them. I hope that I correctly perceive the things I see, I hear, I sense. I hope I do not perceive them in a way that hoping would hurt me too much along the way. And in the end.

And I guess these things drive me to behave the way I do. Drive me to do things that I would never done before. To appreciate what I've taken for granted. To hold on, but not get too attached to it. To keep certainty in uncertainty. To keep people near, but give them time and distance away as well. To be quite jealous, but not mad. To consider failure, but not get drenched by it. To see that friendship is a gift. To see that God's plans are probably better than I have for myself.

Hay. This is going nowhere. Sabaw na. Gnight.

PS. Dito e ♥

Left For Me

Silence
Would be the loudest cry
You could ever let out
To get you
Notice    
d.

Batang Naghihintay Nang Pagtingin

High school mode. On.

Suddenly, there's this urge of playing, yet again, with QU. Maybe it's because I've been watching the bandfest performances Chooseday, a younger band from the same alma mater. It made me remember this and this once-in-a-blue-moon performances. Haha. Ian, Kai, Kei (there behind the drums), and DK. Napakalayo namin sa isa't isa. Ang ate, ang boses, ang henyo, at ang fashionista. Haha. It's not just music e. I think, it's class pride,too. Haha. Besides, one for all, all for One.


Hay. I miss the thrill of being there. I miss the fun and energy the entire class (especially Juice!) gets when someone from the class performs. I miss being touched by their support--their will to arrive early for the event, their initiative to go nearest the stage. And I miss the encouragement their cheers give you. And the warmth of their hugs and taps after every performance. Haha. I miss the love! Everything's just... exhilarating. Don't mind the skills, it's about the One pride. Haha!

As for Juice, THANK YOU! I've been watching the video again and again, and I can't help but feel so appreciated because of you! HAHA! You must probably be our number 1 fan =)) Stage classmate! GO PAKNER!

Someday, I'll be somebody else's number one fan! Marco's slowly learning guitar, and he wants to be a chef, and looks like he is one hell of a soccer player \m/ Haha stage ate.

Looking for No Classes videos now. IV1!

Stirs In My Head

Last night was one of the pinakasabaw nights of all nights! Haha! Thanks to Holy Spirit girls and Paul and Kay and the Claret boys and the cool Dimaculangans for making the night wild, fun, and funny! Haha! 'Twas nice to meet new people and enjoy with them! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASHERITA!

Well anyway, thank you, Megs/ Carms/ Mela, for introducing Jason Magbanua, and making all of us want to get married and get him as the videographer. Haha!

Your Lipstick Stains

It's good to know somebody thinks you're beautiful.


Gumaganda ka a :)

Thanks for the ego booster, (ex) classmate! Kahit na 'di tayo close haha!

Freedom

Tap feet.
A subtle
An exaggerated
Nod of the head
Knees bent
To pray to a god known as
Freedom.

In red lights
Yellow lights
Green lights
And white blinking ones.

I write as I search

To bow down one's head to pray but to someone.

To shout
To sing
To express
Not a fear
Not a frown
But only a voice.

A voice
To echo
In the room
In your ear
In your memory.

We expect
And anticipate
What is
Hopeless
Implausible.

In the here.
The sometime.
In forever.

Written Feb 12 2010. Somewhere while alone pretending to text someone when in fact I was writing this. It's wonderful to write things in places you never thought you could ever concentrate. And while you were kinda dizzy, too. Ha.

04:16:28pm

But when it hurts
Though you try to hide it
It shows

Your eyes give away
Even the emotions you hide
In the
Deepest
In the
Most inside
You got

Maybe it's
NOT
Worth
All this wait
All this
Confusion.

Written Feb 14 2010. I found this in my phone's drafts folder. A lot more other stuff in there. Wow.

Excuse me, does Fa Mulan live here?

For me, Mulan would probably be the funniest, and yet the most touching Disney movie of all time. Well, I do really love Aladdin, but Mulan's just... different. Well, it's not just 'cause it's set in China--very beautiful, culaturally-rich China-- but also 'cause its songs are very amusing and sing-able! I'll Make a Man Out of You, A Girl Worth Fighting For, Reflection :)

And, I did say Aladdin would probably be the most handsome and most sensible Disney prince. Okay, next to Prince Eric, the hottest of them all btw,--hello, muscles+mass+bad boy side+momomoney! But hey, who could ever resist a man in uniform, more specifically, Li Shang? Haha! Check this out, BTW. Hm, I've noticed that men in uniform are growing on me. And random thought, I'm thinking of going to Med School 'cause the men are pretty handsome as well. Ha :P

Back to Mulan, one of the cutest parts would probably be this:

Haha I love the Emperor :">


If I were given the chance to live a life of a Disney princess, I'd choose Mulan's :) Men girl din kasi siya? HAHA! I can watch this over and over and over and over and over again! :"> How about you, what is your favorite Disney movie? :)


PS.

Mulan (to Li Shang): Would you like to stay for dinner?
Grandma (shouting from a distance): Would you like to stay forever?

HAHA! Relatives :P

I FEEL SO

DIS
            CON
        NEC
                                                TE







                                                                                    D

Must You Make Me Laugh So Much

I do not know what to say.

Never Sing Of love If It Does Not Exist

My parents ask me why the hell I stay too long in front of the computer, typing away in pages like this, when I have other papers to do for school. Well, I guess it's about letting out whatever there is to let out. To let go of words I dare not speak to people. To just let out. And maybe to let go. Even if it takes away at least 15 minutes of my life.


My sisters ask why I keep on blogging here when there are, at most, 2 people who read each of my blog posts after all. Well, I'd like them to know that while others may do it to please people, to inform them, or just to brag, well, I blog for the sake of me. Not to please. Not to inform. Just to let it out. Hopefully, to let it go. Or, in some cases, to hold on to it.

I ask myself why I keep on blogging when I can just let everything out through talking to my best friend or to my sisters. Well, there is something concrete, if I may put it that way, about words that are written down for all the world to see, instead of just telling it to someone. I am not sure. But putting it down on paper, or well, in this case, putting it up on this blog, makes things, ideas, and emotions, less vague, more "tangible", and relatively more comprehensible--to me, that is. Maybe it's because ,when I write these things, I can organize them inside me even more. Sometimes talking leads me to different conclusions and I end up contradicting myself. Well, here, that happens less of the time. Haha.

O well. Maybe it's this. By putting words here, what is very intangible and fleeting becomes concrete, even in just a period, or even just a moment. By putting down everything here, they become more engraved in my memory. And, if ever I forget and they become, once again, intangibles, I could remember, take them back, review, look back. I do not know.

These lines appear in my favorite book:

"It is always raining in my head. The closest thing I have to order is the way the lines are set on pages. But even those I disregard...The words just start to fall there. And I feel some satisfaction from that. I've nver written for myself. And I've never written for anyone else. I write for the release of it. For finding out what will be there when I am done."

And then by the end of that part/ chapter/ poem/ essay...

"We are so used to releasing words. We don't know what to do with them if they stay... I'm talking about what happens when they stay with us. No matter how many times we let them go, they come back. The words that matter always stay."

Some of these things may support what I've written earlier, some may negate it. But who cares? After all, only I could fully understand this. Unless you'd borrow my brain for a while. Well, this is self-centered--and biased!--again. Haha. Why, in your opinion, do I write? And, you, why do you write?

Do You Know You?

Maybe you're supposed to forget.

But Everyday I'm Learning

Things I watch/ listen to when there's nothing else on TV but live masses and hard-core Semana Santa films.

PS. It was a good day today. Great news received! Hello, ILC next week ;)

These Moments Make You Missed

There are those people you never get tired of, even though you see them everyday. Best example? My high school barkada. After sharing recess, lunch, at dismissal everyday during high school, and then being away from each other for so long after graduation, now is one of those times I badly want to be with them. Maybe it's because I am craving for Pinoy movies, which we all enjoy--even if it's so corny and absurd at some point. Well, I rarely have problems or any worries on being alone and spending time by and with myself. It's just that, now's one of those times that I want to burst and I know the only people who can really really understand, or at least who can help me laugh or lose myself in the vagueness of everything, is well, them.

So, in memory of our Pinoy film cravings, and of my first ever celebrity crush, Rico Yan...

Toni: Pinuntahan kita sa bahay mo. Linunok ko ang pride ko. Tinanong kita. Bakit ngayon lang?
Lorenz: Parang mukhang tanga e. Naisip ko, anong mukhang ihaharap ko sa’yo at kay Perry?
Toni: Wag mo akong bigyan ng kabulshitang sagot! Marami akong trabaho, inuubos mo oras ko! The least I expect bigyan mo ako ng sagot hindi galing jan kundi galing dito!
Lorenz: Nagago ako. Naduwag ako..
Toni: Bakit?
Lorenz: Because it’s true. Toni, I almost lost you..dahil gago ako’t duwag. Natakot akong mahalin ka.
Toni: At ngayon?
Lorenz: Ngayon mas natatakot akong mawala ka.
Toni: Bakit mo ko mahal?
Lorenz: Hindi ko alam.
Toni: Hindi mo alam?!
Lorenz: Hindi ko alam. It just hit me. I didn’t even believe in forever, Toni. But I think I found forever in you. Toni…Hindi ko pinagpipilitan ang sarili ko sayo ok? Wag mong isipin yon. Gusto ko lang malaman mo. Gusto ko lang malaman mo na mahal kita. And I’m so sorry.
Toni: You never say sorry for loving someone. You never say sorry for loving me.

Waaa. Rico Yan - Claudine Barretto love team!

Bring more popcorn! Next film, One More Chance :'(

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Well, today was great anyway. Shoot for Ji's debut + pares + Starbucks ain't bad at all. Bad vibes? Skin allergy. Thanks to some re-shoot yesterday :|

Fears are Far Behind You

Peta na!

I'm Sorry

Frustration comes
From the realization
Of how
Pointless
The effort was.
Not good.
But we just have to accept
That no matter how much we can give
No matter how much we want it all to work out
Sometimes we just all
BURNOUT.

What Have We Here?

Some FA Majors put up some installation art at the Sunken Garden last Friday. White, dark blue, and light blue balloons were artfully planted on the already-dry field. It was such a thrill to see the balloons bend altogether when the breeze came. They called their art "Sea".

It was beautiful. Perfect photo op! Too bad we came late that afternoon to find people taking heaps of balloons from the ground, collecting, and then heading off. The field was left looking quite scathed. Had to make most of what was left anyway.

Desensitization

There is pain
But there is will.
You stand and
Endure the pain
Until you no longer feel.

But then here comes another trigger,
Another shot,
And once again,
You feel.

And you realize you're just going 'round
In       c
  i               
r                  s
  c           e
          l

You
Try again

An Island and I Passed You By

Yesterday's bad vibes:

• Falling asleep while doing the child portfolio for FLCD 122
• Missing FN 110, which is my only class for the day
• Si ate girl pinapaasa nanaman si kuya. Si kuya naman kinilig. Di niya alam, masasaktan lang siya. ATE GIRL KASI! Tsktsk.
  
• Cancelled TK night with Circlers, Asher, and Ben
  

Not-so-good-and-yet-not-so-bad vibes:

• Si Ningning Bituin bla bla bla
• Jeep to SM North
• Seph hording the mic at RedBox
  
• Falling asleep on the way home, missing my stop
• Not much photos
• No Plan B for the night... So I just went home and slept

Idiot vibes

• Looking for movies to watch till 1 in the morning, therefore starting my portfolio, well, on the day of its deadline

Good vibes

• The Last Kiss
• Kids' wit
• The rain poured down :)
• Finished and passed 122 Portfolio :D
  
• TriNoma with Circlers and Asher
• YellowCab pizza & pasta c/o Seph
• Red Mango
• TIMEZOOOONE
• Excited to watch Remember Me

Tick Tock

There goes my time.
I am unconsciously
Letting it
Slip
A
w
a
y

WAKE UP! PUSH!

Had a big day today. Run plus HLT. After a day with people cheering for me, or complementing whatever I've done for today, I come to realize that deep inside I must probably be so egoistic. Why do what I did today? Hm? I shall be sleeping now, but since I have so much in mind...

What is your motivation?
Their expectations?
Or your insecurity?
Or your expectations
Of your own self?
Or do they all come
Hand in hand in hand?
Like a triangle?
Linked
Almost inextricable
From the others
Or are they?

Why do we behave the way we do? What motivates us? What motivates you? And what are your intentions?

A! The things words can do to youuuuu. A hug would do better.

And as he spoke, he spoke ordinary words
Although they did not feel
For I felt what I had not felt before
And you'd swear those words could heal.

But then again :|


Ian, you're just probably in need of sleep. After telling yourself "wake up!" and "push!" most times today, your sleep-deprived and complaining body is in dire need of rest.

A, self-centralization again! GRR. G'night, body. Haha.

6 messages received

Naiwan ko yung telepono ko sa bahay ngayon. Di ko naman sinasadya. Nagmamadali kasi ako. Pero. Ang saya nang walang inaatupag na telepono. Parang, ah, kalayaan! Haha.

Mag-isa akong nag-jogging kanina. Dapat kasi kasama ko si Seph, e patalo. Haha. Okay lang. Nakita ko si Kalaw at si Desa sa may Quezon Hall at sinabayan ko sila hanggang sa may Engg. Tas tuluy-tuloy ko na.

Iba rin 'pag mag-isa ka :) 'Pag sinabi mo sa sarili mong magdudugo na ata ilong ko, walang nagpapanic. Kasi sanay ka na. Parang kahapon lang, Paul, yung pinto, yung kamay ko. Paul. Paki-bukas yung pinto. Naipit na kamay mo nun sa pinto ng taxi diba? Haha chill kung chill.

Lesson of the day: Kuya, ate, tumingin kasi sa likuran. Sayang o. Nasa likod niyo lang mga hinahanap-hanap ni'yo e. Puro kasi lingon sa kanan si kuya. Si 'te naman kaliwa. Tsk.

O well. Gusto ko lang ikwento.

Slip Fly Away

The past days: a whirlwind

I am

Caught in.

Landing on places

By instinct,

Or much yet by impulse.

Quite careless

Bills and dues slipping off one hand,

The other holding unto ties of friendships.

Writing words
To remember.
To remind one.
To say farewell.
To anticipate the next meeting
In a far
Blurry
Future.

Keeping only to the self
The things too sweet
To be expressed.

Staying happy
In whatever
The moment
Offers.

No Bitterness, My Sweet

Let me :D

On A Subway Train

That boy is a monster. And so is today.

• FN 110 Exam
• "M Marathon"
  
• CDC rat experience (hello, teachers! HAHA)
• TK w/ Tin, Seph
• Claret play w/ Asher, Seph
• THIS:

Could use some sleep now for tomorrow, and the following days, will be monsters in their own right too.

Identify, to Clarify and Classify

Today was all about touch. HAHA.

• Asher ridiculously trying to find my tickle spot.
• People messing with my hair, and my face :|
  
• Mariko reading a book about physical closeness etc.
• My first buddy giving me a Valentine's treat!
  
• Watching a mister hugging his miss from the back while hearing mass.
• A random toddler I was sitting next to in the jeep holding me by the arm on my way home :)

---

Since I'm talking about touch, here's how my second buddy "touched" me during their TN. Thanks ha! S. A. D. Hahaha. Kaya daw nagwala after. Haha. Yummy cupcakes by Celina anyway.

To worry, worry, super-scurry
Call the troops out in a hurry
This is what we've waited for
This is it boys, this is war

Completely, Perfectly, and Incandescently Happy

You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on. *

Because I really really really love Pride and Prejudice, the movie.
Because I really really really love this accent.
Because I really really really love Elizabeth Bennet.
Because I really really really would love a Mr. Darcy.
Because I really really really love their love story.
Because I really really really really really am hopelessly romantic. Sometimes.

A Fantasy Parade

Our prof made us watch Before Sunrise in 113 today. Since I am, secretly, a sucker for sweet and romantic-slash-almost-cheesy lines, and maybe because it's also Valentine's season, I was captured by the following poem. It was written and uttered by a street poet in Vienna--in the movie, that is. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

And maybe take time to watch Before Sunrise. Maybe make it your movie date this Valentine's. Haha :)

Daydream delusion, limousine eyelash
Oh baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes
I'm a delusion angel
I'm a fantasy parade
I want you to know what I think
Don't want you to guess anymore
You have no idea where I came from
We have no idea where we're going
Lodged in life
Like branches in a river
Flowing downstream
Caught in the current
I carry you
You'll carry me
That's how it could be
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

Found Love

Valentine's is on Sunday, less than 6 days away. While every sweet couple prepare cheesy surprises for each other, and the love-less struggle to keep their heads above the flooding saccharine scents, I have found love in another group of people.

The past week made me feel so jumbled-up--more confused than ever in this certain thing. Maybe I've been locking things up inside for too long already. 3 bottles down, and alas! The breakdown. The catastrophe. Their bewilderment. Ha.

T for the trust, support, and talks--and breakdowns and heart-to-hearts! S for being like a brother. Ce for being such a keeper. K for listening no matter what. Jc for being cute and driving us to Math no matter the time, or our state is haha. Jn for being there to make us smile. Ch for being up for anything. R for the brotherly jeers and super warm hugs. I hope you know how much I appreciate the little things you do :)

Thank you. And even though most of us have aches this valentine's, I hope we do not forget there are a lot of things--AND WHOLE LOT OF OTHER PEOPLE-- we could love :)

Happy Love's Day! In advance. I love you.

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

You Wanna Be

"Liberation, I guess, is everybody getting what they want, without knowing the whole truth. Or in other words, liberation finally amounts to being free from things we don't like in order to be enslaved by things we approve of. Here's to the eternal tandem."

--Robert Fulghum, "Liberation"

ALAB ALAB ALABYU

ONE OF THOSE CHEESY SONGS. Made me laugh! SUUUUPER! Remember all the pick-up lines from waaaaaaay back? HERE THEY ARE! HAHA. I'm so sorry for being very shallow this time. But it's too cute. HAHA!

• Pustiso ka ba? Kasi, you know I can’t smile without you
• Hindi tayo tao, hindi rin tayo hayop, bagay tayo, bagay talaga
• Apoy ka ba? Kasi alab-alab I love you!
• Exam ka ba, kasi sasagutin kita agad-agad, naman kasi
• Posporo ka ba? E di posporo rin ako... Para match (PINAKACHEESY! HAHAHA)

Great way to start Feb! Haha :P

HAPPY VALENTINES!
and
HAPPY S.A.D! HAHA!

Anybody Find Me

One reason to:

1. Regret never taking any formal dance lessons
2. Want to do theatre
3. Miss high school dance productions!
4. Not study 122! Haha
   

Good Days

1. Passing an exam.
2. Spending time (and doing TMMs :P) with the right people.
3. Charlie.
4. Kids kids kids!
5. Music (Old, New)
6. Crying over a good movie.
   
7. Sleep tonight!

Quote of the week (from T. Celina and T. Nikki): There are only good days and better days :)

It's one of those better days :)

Don't Say

Jamie: You don't know the first thing about being someone's friend.
Landon: I don't want to just be your friend.
Jamie: You don't know what you want.
Landon: Neither do you. Maybe you're just too scared that someone might actually want to be with you.
Jamie: And why would that scare me?
Landon: Because then you wouldn't be able to hide behind your books, or your frickin' telescope, or your faith. No, no, you know the real reason why you're scared? It's cause you wanna be with me too.

A Walk to Remember (2002)

I find myself blogging yet again. Too soon. But today's one of those days when my insides feel like bursting--with both ideas and emotions-- and yet I had kept them all bottled up. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade anyway. Or maybe it's just I want to assess everything first before I open my mouth. I was thinking of calling a close friend upon getting home, to talk or maybe invite her to dinner for some breakdown session. But we are all too busy. So here I am now, badly in need of an outlet.

Landon captures pretty much everything of what I've been thinking about on my way home earlier this evening. Maybe I've been putting on this face because I'm still too proud to admit that I'm looking for it too--that I'm just like everyone else. Maybe it's because I'm just too scared to make the same mistakes again. Maybe it's because I'm too proud. Maybe it's because I'm afraid to feel my frailty when I get hurt. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe everything's just my defense mechanism so people won't know the actually-mushy-and-cheesy me. That as much as I want to be different, as much as I want to be rational, as much as I want to realistic, there is this part of me aching for it. That there is a part of me meaning every word of every love song I sing out of the blue. That there is a part of me still wishing for a Henry, a Logan, a Miggy, a prince charming--maybe even an Edward Cullen-- to sweep me off my feet. That sometimes I feel saying the cliché : I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. Or maybe that's an overstatement. Hm. Or maybe I, too, am hesitant to consider myself limerent (as Saxton calls it).

Why am I so proud to admit to myself, and to anyone else, that I too am in search for that one thing we all need, we all want, we all ask for? Am I that too proud a person? Ain't it normal for everyone to go looking for it? And admit to themselves they need it too? FLCD 135 seems say yes to this. Even 113 implies it. Even kids look for love--and they are not afraid to show it! Am I too abnormal? Or maybe I have some sort of genetic disorder, like that of time travelers, making me all weird, that when I get to stressful situations I escape, and run away? What is wrong with me? Ha.

To hell with my pride.

And salutes to those who have the guts to acknowledge their need for it and to make the other person feel they are loved.

---

I've blurted too many for the past days. I am so sorry. I'd really appreciate it this time, that is if you took time reading what is above, if you don't ask me about it (especially if you're not in the mood of philosophical and pathetic conversations/ ideas which are kind of my thing here haha). Who wrote those words up there anyway? We have no idea. You got it. Thank you.

I've been living. Time to write.

2010. This is the first time this year I'm gonna think this, uh, pathetic. Thank you. I've been living my 2010 life the best I could (if it's school we're talking about, well, I'm surviving), and I suppose this blog deserves that much attention I've given to living, even just for now.

This may sound very boring. Ha. But maybe that equates to the boring, (except for the kids part :P), yet demanding (even the kids part haha), school life that pretty much takes up 50% of my attention this 2010. 20% goes to org works. 10% to sleeping, eating, movies, music. 10 % to face-to-face socializing and online networking sites. 5% to trying to save money and commuting. 5% to leisure reading. Hm, more or less.

---

To me, writing is pretty much just like living. No, not because they are both made up of a complicated syntax (oh well, maybe it sometimes is because of this, but that is not my point here, my dear). And not just because truly writing and truly living makes me, if not happy, satisfied at least. These two things involves similar processes--from starting, then to the bumps on the way, and, finally getting to, or to bringing everything to, their endings.

They're pretty much the same because when I find myself faced with the reality of doing either of these things, I just know that I have to have a clean, blank slate to begin with--no worries about what I've done before. When I write, I want to start with a new, clean page, with the cursor blinking at me as if trying to get the words out of my system. With life, time seems to ticktock-ing loudly at both my ears, blaring at me: get up, get going! At both instances I find myself staring blankly unto space, not knowing how to take that first step, or worse, having no clue to what that first step is. But at the moment that step is taken, things start flowing in--in good ways, in bad ways, in ways I could, but sometimes would rather not, expect.

Most of the time, I try to just write, and just live. Do what I could. Give out what I got. But I can't help looking back at what I've finished, then here I go: Edit. Cancel. Find. Replace. Grammar check. Spelling check. Evaluate. Make do. Assess. Think. Think think. THINK. Feel. Close my eyes. Realize people may have done better, and that my endeavors are just pea-sized compared to their fully-developed, harvested farms. Frustration! And then I realize I have ran out of fuel. Then, as if on cue, the distractions come along like the Glee cast singing Somebody To Love (phenomenal!) a well-funded summer festival parade.

What do I do? Well I tend to go with the flow; let the distractions do what they do (distract me, duh) as they pass. And when they've passed? I would like to say, as much as I would want to do really, that I go back and finish what I've started. But no, this doesn't happen every time. Sometimes (though it might be better to say that it happens usually), I go follow that parade, filling my whole self up with its colors and music. And when I've realized that the colors and the music appeal more, I frustrate in the thought that I couldn't finish what I've been doing before they came along. The interest is redirected. Toodaloo, writing. Toodaloo, life.

But there are cases when I do go back and finish--for reasons I (can) think of only when I am back there. Maybe it's because there are people who expect me to finish--expectations pull me in most of the time, you know. Maybe it's because the parade has overwhelmed me to the point it got nauseating, that I just really had to go back to the things I know would make me feel better, if not well.

And one last thing (for I believe I am now running out of fuel--for writing tonight, that is) not everything I've said or done can mean something to the world. Maybe it may mean something to me (oh hello to the egocentrism of it all!), but to the also-egocentric lives of others they may mean little, if not nothing at all. Not everything that makes sense to me, makes sense to others. Not everything I've done makes sense at all.

So does this?


With writing there is this thing called plot diagram, which I could still remember studying for all the upper year levels I've spend in STC. This plot diagram gives the smooth flow of ideas and emotions in the story. Why a smooth flow? Well, basically, it's for coherence. However, I find it hard, both in writing and living, to have such. As much as I want to find and give logic, coherence, and the smooth flow of things, I couldn't always do. Maybe it's because I am lacking in focus, or maybe I am really just out of fuel. But it gives me a realization: Not all things connected to each other can come together as coherent. But then again, that's just me.

Going back to the plot diagram, it has parts. There is the beginning, the rising action, the climax, a falling action, then the resolve. More or less, I see (and try to pattern) life as is. But unfortunately (or is it?) both have the liberty not to follow suit. For example, there are stories without resolutions, and there are lives abruptly taken away without even reaching the climax of it all. As much as I (or maybe everyone, that is) want to make settling concluding sentences and happily-ever-afters happen, they just would not always happen (yes, I am concerned here with that syntax commonality thing unconsciously. Sometimes, even in life, you've got to take back your words). So I end here, not knowing if it this entire block of ideas qualify for a good write. Syntax's fault. My fuel's fault. Life's fault.

---

BTW, this is really for the wiiiiin! Best mix (plus the video) for 2009! :D:D:D:D