Blessings, Fears, Hopes, Drives
Before I go to bed tonight (or this morning), I'm taking this time to blog, with the hope that doing so will help me clear up my super saturated mind.
First of all, I am feeling so blessed--in a way that it is making me tear up. I could not remember any time before that I felt this much appreciation and gratefulness towards God for blessing my grandparents, especially Inay and Tatay, such long lives and a lasting relationship. I am just so thankful He makes me want to improve myself, and he gives me opportunities to lead, and to make more of myself, and of people. Though I feel the unworthiness so much, I just can't help but feel so grateful.
Of course there is fear too; fear of losing these things I am just so blessed to have in my life. Losing them. Failing them. Fear in their uncertainty. Fear in my uncertainty. Fear in the uncertainty of everything. I am just so scared to let all these blessings, these opportunities, slip away. I hope I could grasp everything, I can make all these things work out. I am scared. Nervous. And unsure.
But I hope. I hope that I would see these through. Hope in God. Hope in people. Hope that I won't be hopeless. Hope that things will turn out right. But I hope that hope won't get the better of me either. False hopes in people. False hopes in what people tell you about people. False hopes that I get from my own biased interpretations of other people or things. I hope I do not hope too much that it'll make me so stuck on them. I hope that I correctly perceive the things I see, I hear, I sense. I hope I do not perceive them in a way that hoping would hurt me too much along the way. And in the end.
And I guess these things drive me to behave the way I do. Drive me to do things that I would never done before. To appreciate what I've taken for granted. To hold on, but not get too attached to it. To keep certainty in uncertainty. To keep people near, but give them time and distance away as well. To be quite jealous, but not mad. To consider failure, but not get drenched by it. To see that friendship is a gift. To see that God's plans are probably better than I have for myself.
Hay. This is going nowhere. Sabaw na. Gnight.
Before I go to bed tonight (or this morning), I'm taking this time to blog, with the hope that doing so will help me clear up my super saturated mind.
First of all, I am feeling so blessed--in a way that it is making me tear up. I could not remember any time before that I felt this much appreciation and gratefulness towards God for blessing my grandparents, especially Inay and Tatay, such long lives and a lasting relationship. I am just so thankful He makes me want to improve myself, and he gives me opportunities to lead, and to make more of myself, and of people. Though I feel the unworthiness so much, I just can't help but feel so grateful.
Of course there is fear too; fear of losing these things I am just so blessed to have in my life. Losing them. Failing them. Fear in their uncertainty. Fear in my uncertainty. Fear in the uncertainty of everything. I am just so scared to let all these blessings, these opportunities, slip away. I hope I could grasp everything, I can make all these things work out. I am scared. Nervous. And unsure.
But I hope. I hope that I would see these through. Hope in God. Hope in people. Hope that I won't be hopeless. Hope that things will turn out right. But I hope that hope won't get the better of me either. False hopes in people. False hopes in what people tell you about people. False hopes that I get from my own biased interpretations of other people or things. I hope I do not hope too much that it'll make me so stuck on them. I hope that I correctly perceive the things I see, I hear, I sense. I hope I do not perceive them in a way that hoping would hurt me too much along the way. And in the end.
And I guess these things drive me to behave the way I do. Drive me to do things that I would never done before. To appreciate what I've taken for granted. To hold on, but not get too attached to it. To keep certainty in uncertainty. To keep people near, but give them time and distance away as well. To be quite jealous, but not mad. To consider failure, but not get drenched by it. To see that friendship is a gift. To see that God's plans are probably better than I have for myself.
Hay. This is going nowhere. Sabaw na. Gnight.
PS. Dito e ♥
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