Rain

Sometimes I think I have depression. Or some psychological problem.

Last night I cried myself to sleep again. I was reading something that somehow hit home and I started thinking of, well, my non-existent love life, and then I just burst right then and there. All the frustrations--mostly directed to myself.

There are times I just tear up and cry without even me realizing it. And last night was like that. Maybe it just wasn't because of what I was reading, not just because of me over-analyzing everything that had happened to me. Maybe I could also blame it on the rain (which coincidentally playing now on the player) and also the sad songs I was listening to last night.

Weirdly enough, it felt good to just let go like that. To just break down. I wanted to have someone there to hold me tight and to caress me gently while I cried-- instead of me just clinging on to my pillows like there's tomorrow while I let it all out.

But I guess it could also be good to just cry by yourself.

After all, what you really have from the very start to the very end is yourself... and yourself alone.

Ramblings

Maybe I try desperately to have people love (or at least like) me because I don't think that I am capable of loving myself that other people has to that for me. For I know people can somehow love something about you. And to have a part of me loved by other people is good enough. Cause I can't somehow bring myself to love everything about me.

Maybe I cry because of the realization that I pity myself too much for being so insecure that I can't even bring myself to love who I am--in the realization that I have to get love from outside of who I am because there isn't enough (if there is anything at all) inside of me.

And maybe that is why I am so excited to pour all the love to another person; because I know I just can't love myself that much that I have to love somebody else. You're gonna be a  lucky bitch, you.

Suddenly I'm Not Scared

Supple and sweet,
Covers and downy.
Smirks and laughter
Drowned the silent reverie.
Surrendering to the tide,
Losing
Unleashing
Sinking in.
Up to a high
Down to a low;
Like a wave
Refreshing to the deepest of the soul.
Sighing in satisfaction,
Keeping to the rhythm
Of two
now one.

Now blinking

In the warmth

Under the teasing sunrise.

Eyes opening,
Trying to comprehend,

Able to remember.

And I

Turn.

And I

Shiver.

It wasn't just a dream.

You were                
there.

first.

---

Oh love ain't so tough, you will see
Just open up your arms to me
And don't make no vow you can't keep
And I'll lay my pride down at your feet.
--The Biblical Sense of the Word, Quiet Company

Don't Think, Just Do

A friend of mine made me listen to this song as we were driving home last night. We were talking about matters of the heart and he said this song pretty much hits home.

I love conversations backgrounded with songs that seem to fit the mood. It’s like there was meant to be some kind of soundtrack for everything there is to say and think about.

Other songs on last night’s playlist were: Holiday by Jack’s Mannequin, Harana by Parokya ni Edgar, and Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. The player was on shuffle half of the time.

It's Taking A While

It has been a wonderful day. But looking at those pictures somehow let me down at once. I still can't figure out what you wanna do with your life. All I can wish for now is that God gives me something better than this-- or better than you maybe, I don't know. I know He'll always know what will be best. I still believe in that.

Somehow, some part of can't let this go. Can't let you go? Maybe. But if this pain wages on, I definitely need to drop the habit that is you at some point. It's not very healthy.

You confuse me. You disappoint me. Stick to your words, man. I guess I need to be twice as cautious now.

---

Well, here's a song I really like listening to lately. Maybe because (1) it's Lee Jinki singing, (2) I think the piano accompaniment is really good, and (3) the emotion (BAM!). Lalala. Listen on.

God only knows what a heart can survive

So many tears from all the pain in our lives

And where else could we go after all we've been through

I still believe my life is right here with you.

I know this song was meant to be a love song, but those 4 lines above actually sound like it's from some worship song. Don't get me wrong, I love the entire song as it is. But I just like the fact that some of its lines can actually be worship-y. Haha. Fave line: GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT A HEART CAN SURVIVE :)

Still You Seem to Understand

FOREVER SWEET. Forever.

Difference

Growing

Growing up

Growing apart