Questions

Is loving yourself almost like being selfish as well?
How do you love yourself and not be selfish?
How come some are selfish but do not love themselves?

Is it insecurity?
Maybe insecurity is being selfish because you want to love yourself more.
Does being insecure mean you love yourself because you want to love yourself more than you love others?
Or is it just pure selfishness after all?

Here I go again

Frustration.

I don't think anyone would understand.

I feel so lonely.

Rain

Sometimes I think I have depression. Or some psychological problem.

Last night I cried myself to sleep again. I was reading something that somehow hit home and I started thinking of, well, my non-existent love life, and then I just burst right then and there. All the frustrations--mostly directed to myself.

There are times I just tear up and cry without even me realizing it. And last night was like that. Maybe it just wasn't because of what I was reading, not just because of me over-analyzing everything that had happened to me. Maybe I could also blame it on the rain (which coincidentally playing now on the player) and also the sad songs I was listening to last night.

Weirdly enough, it felt good to just let go like that. To just break down. I wanted to have someone there to hold me tight and to caress me gently while I cried-- instead of me just clinging on to my pillows like there's tomorrow while I let it all out.

But I guess it could also be good to just cry by yourself.

After all, what you really have from the very start to the very end is yourself... and yourself alone.

Ramblings

Maybe I try desperately to have people love (or at least like) me because I don't think that I am capable of loving myself that other people has to that for me. For I know people can somehow love something about you. And to have a part of me loved by other people is good enough. Cause I can't somehow bring myself to love everything about me.

Maybe I cry because of the realization that I pity myself too much for being so insecure that I can't even bring myself to love who I am--in the realization that I have to get love from outside of who I am because there isn't enough (if there is anything at all) inside of me.

And maybe that is why I am so excited to pour all the love to another person; because I know I just can't love myself that much that I have to love somebody else. You're gonna be a  lucky bitch, you.