The Places I Have Come to Fear the Most

Maybe I have been

Looking at the places that

Were wrong to start with.

by Ian. Sat. Nov 26.11:43pm.

Pouring It Out (aka Ranting)

I've been actually thinking of deleting this Blogger account. But I just can't. Somehow being in this relatively secluded area of the net just makes it more home-y for very personal posts, just as this one will be.

Let's start with how it's been for me the previous semester.

For the past months I have been really busy with practicum and to tell you (that is if anyone is reading this) honestly, it wasn't so easy. Waking up in the early hours of the day isn't how it's been for me in the past years. So I had to drag myself off my bed almost everyday. Once I get home in the evenings, I'd find myself falling back into it in no time. Every single day was tiring.

The time I spent in between waking up and literally falling to sleep ain't so bad anyway. My mornings are spent with the cutest bunch of children I believe I could ever encounter in my whole life. Their energy, their smiles, and their undeniable and unconscious cuteness are just a few of the things that make me ever so thankful I am in this career path. I get a bit frustrated at times, and yes I always get tired, but the happiness and the satisfaction I get when I see them is more than enough to fuel me up and keep on teaching.

The afternoons are reserved for my classes, some of them so painstaking considering that they were not to meant to be so. After class activities, aka org work, eat me up after classes too, so no wonder I get home just wanting to sleep despite a lot paperworks and readings. I don't quite know how I managed to actually get it through the sem with 15 units, 4 days of practicum a week, 3 school organizations and another org in the community.

I myself am amazed with how I feel so accomplished with me finishing the sem without getting seriously sick. I guess it was because of the children and the inspiration I get from them. I am so happy that I am able to do what I love and love what I do in this professioncalling.

---

But of course last sem wasn't just about me teaching and enjoying despite the tiresome activities of everyday. My head wasn't just filled with cute cuddly childlike things and stuff like that. In fact, at the times I got to take a breather from all the pracitcum-ing and org work-ing and stuff, my head just fills up with so much thoughts... mostly about me being another year older.

I turned 20 last August and, God, I just feel old. I mean, if I take a look back in my life, there ain't a real "shining" point there. I just feel so incapable of stuff. I see 19-year-olds dancing their way to fame, power and authority and witness how they change lives of a billion fangirls by just speaking in heavily-accented English. I see my classmates going places and doing amazing stuff that I never really imagined they could do at all. And I see myself, well, just like this.

So yes, I've been comparing myself and I know that ain't right. But man, I need to know what I really would do in the future. I mean, there are a lot of paths I could take after college, I just ain't sure which one I' d take. I am not quite even sure if I really want to teach. I might get easily burnt out from teaching almost everyday, and I am afraid that if that happens, I'll eventually hate it.

Hmm, I'll just most likely study Hangul and leave for Korea and fangirl there, for it seems I am actually good at "supporting" people. Sounds good to me.


Another thing that bothered me upon turning 20 is my love life. Somehow I have charted my plan in life and I have told myself that I should be married by 25 (26 the latest), have a child at 28, and a pair of fraternal twins at around 32 (35 the latest). And from how my non-existent love life is doing right now, this plan ain't so feasible after all. One of my close boy buds say it is bullshit to chart my life like that. And I can't help but agree. I gotta live in the moment right? But I can't help planning this up in my mind 'cause I JUST DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD ALONE.

I am so not open to the possibility of not finding "the one". I am so not gonna be one of the victims of the family's curse of first-borns having everything but a family of his own. I am so scared of not finding someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone with such captivating eyes. Someone with a smile so bright and happy that it makes me smile even in my darkest day. Someone who wouldn't mind me taking pictures of him. Someone who would love taking silly photos of us together. Someone who would love taking pictures of me. Someone who'd cuddle with me before going to sleep, and wake me up with sweet kisses in the morning. Someone who'd laugh with me when I don't get scrambled eggs right, and eventually help me cook properly after. Someone who'd sing me "Now and Forever" and smile at me and kiss me sweetly when he's done singing. Someone who'd not be afraid of being silly even in public and especially patient and courageous in doing KPop dances with me. Someone who wouldn't mind me talking to him in Korean or English or Filipino or Taglish or Bicolano or Batangueno. Someone who could get along my mood swings. Someone who enjoys traveling. Someone who enjoys experiencing new things. Someone who is passionate about his craft. Someone who wouldn't mind taking long walks at night just to get home. Someone who'd wrap his arms around me while I cry over the Koreanovelas I watch. Someone who'd find me beautiful despite my large eyes and even larger eyebags. Someone who'd love me even when I'm 50 pounds heavier during pregnancy, and remind me that I will forever be beautiful. Someone who'd try his best to take care of our children despite his jitters. Someone who'll take pride and cherish his children. Someone who'll love his family more than anything else. Someone who sees the world in such a way that it gives you hope in it. Someone who enjoys sleeping in and staying in on the weekends, sipping on hot cocoa with marshmallows and an endless supply of home-made chewy chocolate chip cookies. Someone who'd wait for me before he starts eating his dinner, just like how my lolo and lola does. Someone named Lee Onew would do. LOL. How I wish. As you can see, I am so desperate for someone right now haha. To tell you honestly, I'd love to have a lovestory like this:

I'd loveto have a snob photographer prince who'll turn into a sarcastic yet sweet and passionate lover. Waaaa. Okay. Must. Control. Self.


They say that real love waits, and that good things come to those who wait. But right now all I could do is ask these questions: How long must I wait? Is there anyone to wait for at all? Who am I waiting for? Is he waiting on me too? Is he looking for me? Should I be looking or just be waiting? Am I waiting at the right place? Are we looking at the right place, for the right person? Again, how long must I keep on waiting?


Sometimes I can't help but ask: is there something wrong with me? I know I am not that pretty, not that feminine. But hey, I'd like to believe I am quite fine as I am. I dunno. Sometimes this issue just gets my confidence level down the drain. But I don't wanna be all crybaby, 'cause I know that won't get me anywhere. It's just sad seeing that people around me have somehow found someone, and here I am wondering where in the world I could find someone who'll make things even better than they are.

I guess I myself am not ready, with all the issues I have with myself and my insecurities. I just hope that when I am ready, he'll be there. And that we'll both be ready when that time comes.

I don't want to keep on jumping from one crush/ fling (whatever you call it) to another, 'cause it just leaves me even more frustrated in finding "the one". And those can utterly destroy friendships. But somehow I can't help but love the rush they give me, the little kilig moments and the not-so-subtle landi moments. I just hope that in the end, I'll really find the one.



In the end, I am hopeful that I'll eventually find what and who I am really meant for. I guess I just really have to be patient with myself and with the world.

Different

They say you do not to find someone better.
You find someone
different.

Should we say adieu?

I'm trying my best to be efficient and I think this blogger account is getting in the way. I'm thinking of making the most out of my tumblr account. So maybe, adieu to this blog?

It's full of my crappiness anyway and I think I'm done with that. Time to be mature about things.

Questions

Is loving yourself almost like being selfish as well?
How do you love yourself and not be selfish?
How come some are selfish but do not love themselves?

Is it insecurity?
Maybe insecurity is being selfish because you want to love yourself more.
Does being insecure mean you love yourself because you want to love yourself more than you love others?
Or is it just pure selfishness after all?

Here I go again

Frustration.

I don't think anyone would understand.

I feel so lonely.

Rain

Sometimes I think I have depression. Or some psychological problem.

Last night I cried myself to sleep again. I was reading something that somehow hit home and I started thinking of, well, my non-existent love life, and then I just burst right then and there. All the frustrations--mostly directed to myself.

There are times I just tear up and cry without even me realizing it. And last night was like that. Maybe it just wasn't because of what I was reading, not just because of me over-analyzing everything that had happened to me. Maybe I could also blame it on the rain (which coincidentally playing now on the player) and also the sad songs I was listening to last night.

Weirdly enough, it felt good to just let go like that. To just break down. I wanted to have someone there to hold me tight and to caress me gently while I cried-- instead of me just clinging on to my pillows like there's tomorrow while I let it all out.

But I guess it could also be good to just cry by yourself.

After all, what you really have from the very start to the very end is yourself... and yourself alone.

Ramblings

Maybe I try desperately to have people love (or at least like) me because I don't think that I am capable of loving myself that other people has to that for me. For I know people can somehow love something about you. And to have a part of me loved by other people is good enough. Cause I can't somehow bring myself to love everything about me.

Maybe I cry because of the realization that I pity myself too much for being so insecure that I can't even bring myself to love who I am--in the realization that I have to get love from outside of who I am because there isn't enough (if there is anything at all) inside of me.

And maybe that is why I am so excited to pour all the love to another person; because I know I just can't love myself that much that I have to love somebody else. You're gonna be a  lucky bitch, you.

Suddenly I'm Not Scared

Supple and sweet,
Covers and downy.
Smirks and laughter
Drowned the silent reverie.
Surrendering to the tide,
Losing
Unleashing
Sinking in.
Up to a high
Down to a low;
Like a wave
Refreshing to the deepest of the soul.
Sighing in satisfaction,
Keeping to the rhythm
Of two
now one.

Now blinking

In the warmth

Under the teasing sunrise.

Eyes opening,
Trying to comprehend,

Able to remember.

And I

Turn.

And I

Shiver.

It wasn't just a dream.

You were                
there.

first.

---

Oh love ain't so tough, you will see
Just open up your arms to me
And don't make no vow you can't keep
And I'll lay my pride down at your feet.
--The Biblical Sense of the Word, Quiet Company

Don't Think, Just Do

A friend of mine made me listen to this song as we were driving home last night. We were talking about matters of the heart and he said this song pretty much hits home.

I love conversations backgrounded with songs that seem to fit the mood. It’s like there was meant to be some kind of soundtrack for everything there is to say and think about.

Other songs on last night’s playlist were: Holiday by Jack’s Mannequin, Harana by Parokya ni Edgar, and Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional. The player was on shuffle half of the time.

It's Taking A While

It has been a wonderful day. But looking at those pictures somehow let me down at once. I still can't figure out what you wanna do with your life. All I can wish for now is that God gives me something better than this-- or better than you maybe, I don't know. I know He'll always know what will be best. I still believe in that.

Somehow, some part of can't let this go. Can't let you go? Maybe. But if this pain wages on, I definitely need to drop the habit that is you at some point. It's not very healthy.

You confuse me. You disappoint me. Stick to your words, man. I guess I need to be twice as cautious now.

---

Well, here's a song I really like listening to lately. Maybe because (1) it's Lee Jinki singing, (2) I think the piano accompaniment is really good, and (3) the emotion (BAM!). Lalala. Listen on.

God only knows what a heart can survive

So many tears from all the pain in our lives

And where else could we go after all we've been through

I still believe my life is right here with you.

I know this song was meant to be a love song, but those 4 lines above actually sound like it's from some worship song. Don't get me wrong, I love the entire song as it is. But I just like the fact that some of its lines can actually be worship-y. Haha. Fave line: GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT A HEART CAN SURVIVE :)

Still You Seem to Understand

FOREVER SWEET. Forever.

Difference

Growing

Growing up

Growing apart

Blame It On the Rain

I find myself blogging yet again. This time, I have to thank my professors for not giving any heavy work for the coming week. Or better yet, for I might be mistaken, I have to thank my poor memory. Maybe I just don't remember what things should be done.

But anyways. My sister made her own list of "the worst feelings in the world". Since it made me think, I'm making my own :P Here it goes.

The Worst Feelings In the World (according to Ian)

• The pain you feel when you step on a Lego block
• The pain you feel when you stub your toe
• The irritation when the awkward parts of your body--e.g. underarm, private parts-- itch and you can't do anything (scratch or whatever) about it since you're in a public place
• The panic when you're really at the verge of pee-ing and/ or poop-ing and there isn't a single comfort room in sight
• The envy when you look at some younger person's numerous/ bigger accomplishments compared to the little/ petty ones you have
• The frustration when you want to do some dance move but your body won't cooperate
• The frustration when you want to sing that song but you just can't do it right; either the notes are too high or too low, or you just can't sing in tune
• The frustration in stuttering and mispronouncing again and again and again
• The frustration when you forget what you're supposed to get from or do in a room you just got into
• The frustration in forgetting where you've placed something you were holding seconds ago
• The uneasiness you feel when you've worn denim pants on what turned out to be an extra hot day
• Kapag hindi mo matanggal 'yong tinga mo
• The self-consciousness and dismay that comes when you look at a boy and realize he is a prettier girl than you are
• The heartache that comes with falling in love with a fictional character (from a novel, or a TV series) and realizing he wouldn't be real...
• ...and the frustration in patterning "the one" to that male character and not finding one
• The regret of not doing something that would have made you happy
• The hopeless wanting for any kind of food (e.g. chocolates), only to realize there isn't any available nearby (e.g.fridge)
• The feeling you get when you can't find the right words to say or to write
• 'Yong pakiramdam ng nasa dulo na ng dila mo 'yong salita
• The disappointment when you have to have to take a picture of something really really nice but the camera goes "Change battery pack"
• The loneliness you feel while singing some love song no matter how cheesy or jologs it is (For me, I'll Never Go by Erik Santos)
• The loneliness you feel while crying (because of a song, or a movie, or a realization) and there's no one there to hug you/ to share the pain with :(

This would be edited :)

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Blame It On the Rain is a song by He is We. Paul suggested this song weeks ago. He said he remembered me when he heard this. He said it is so me. I teared up. First, because Paul actually remembers and knows how I feel even though I don't seriously talk with him. And second, because he is right :') Hayy. Friends!