BAYANIHAN

GO HELP.

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Deep Down Your Treasure Chest

I write down words
My lips dare not speak
'Cause I am afraid
They'll just cause more uncertainty
'Cause I am afraid I'll stutter
And I'll just fall down
And maybe you'll laugh
Or maybe you won't understand
Everything's at risk now
There is the need to stop.

One of the fragmented lines/ verses of could-be songs I wrote some time ago on a teared notebook leaf, which I found earlier today while I was tidying all my things. It's an interesting collection of high school-ish verses, which I wrote down one sunny afternoon last semester in a winter-cold library. I might throw up reading. Ha. I edited a few parts so as not to make it sound so... uh... cheesy? HA.

Shake of the jitters
Throw down the guards
Let's surrender to this call, love
Cause ahead there is
A life time waiting
For us to waste.
Together.

Is there meaning beyond them?
Or am I looking too far beyond?
For all I know I deceive myself,
        they are just what they are.
Nothing more,
               less.


Ugh. Nausea. Must find new things to write about.

OVERWHELM

For the past days/ weeks, I could just say I am so overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts--both good and bad. I could probably write a 10000000000-word entry about all the hooplas. But since I am sleepy, and, I guess, am still at lost for words, I will end with this. And hope that it could do justice.

THANKYOUSOMUCHILOVEYOUSOMUCHCONGRATSTOEVERYONEIAMSO
GRATEFULHAPPYOVERWHELMEDCRUSHLOVEFRIENDSFAMILYGOD>:D<

I can't hide always. You can probably see through me now :P

---

At my most beautiful
I count your eyelashes, secretly.
With every one, whisper I love you.
I let you sleep.
I know you're closed eye watching me,
Listening.
I thought I saw a smile.

I must thank Cedes for reminding me of this song :)

No Time To Waste

No matter what I do, I can't concentrate. I feel so BAAAAAAAAAAAD. I am so bad.

Must
Get
Over
It.

You're A Mystery, You're From Outer Space

It's irritating how I sometimes couldn't stop myself from thinking about the questions I am faced with. I guess it's because I'd always like to give the best answer possible. It's like, in the end, how people would remember me would be based on what I've blurted out. Ha. I know, and I do not contest it, that actions speak louder than words. But I still believe in the power of words (especially when actions are pointing to very opposite directions, tsktsk. Okay, nevermind) :P

Well anyways, here's what's bothering me as of the moment: What/ who is your greatest treasure?

There were a lot of things to choose from. My options included money, music, Charlie, art, food, education, Lolo, Mom, my best friend, my high school friends, my YFC family, *bleep* (CHOZ. JOKING 'bout that one :P), and this something I couldn't put to a single word/ phrase/ sentence. Thanks to time, and my morning state of mind, I chose to go with Charlie and my high school friends. Charlie, because I've always wanted him. And high school friends since no matter what, no matter how far/ hard/ crazy, we always just fit right in with each other.


But I was thinking about a better answer I knew I could have given. That something I couldn't find the word/ phrase/ sentence for. Now, I know. My greatest treasure would be the possibilities (my current favorite word/ concept) presented to me, and the freedom and ability to choose which of these possibilities would be my reality. I don't think I'll find a word for it right now. Free will won't do it justice. Opportunities, hmm, close. It's either my vocabulary is too limited, or the world just doesn't have a need for such a word.

For every day that I live, I am faced with these possibilities--to go to school or just swim in bed all day, to go on with my readings or have lunch with a missed friend, to shut inside all my cheesiness and mushiness or let people know how much I truly appreciate them, to keep my pride or let my guard down, to stop or to go, to eat ice cream or have turon. Possibilities. It's funny how right now I am faced with so many of them, and I acknowledge the fact that they actually exist and that they could be, someday, my realities. It's an overwhelming sensation, especially since when I was young I've always known myself to be so one-sided, so closed-minded, so boxed up.

Before, all I wanted was to be rich and famous, have a fancy house, drive a fancy car, and own nice clothes. Though I shifted from wanting to be a doctor, to becoming a superstar/ singer, that was my ultimate goal. Ask me right now and I'd give you a thousand things I'd like to be in the future. Funny, 'cause I don't really see me being rich and famous anymore. Everything I'd want to be would possibly point to a life of simplicity and lightness--maybe, even, detachment. Slow living. The kind of life you'd live somewhere faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from the city, where you could just sit on a hammock all-day, with a good book or any form of music. Haha. My dad would probably call it a life for the lazy. Eh, why not? Ha. Now now, they're still just possibilities that I'm currently leaning towards, maybe I'd change my mind if I ever face other possibilities. We'll never know.

The hardest part would be choosing which possibilities I'd fulfill. I wish there would be some way that I could make all my possibilities real. Someday, hopefully, little by little. Here I am, in one of the moments I made a possibility my reality.



To let go of possibilities. Possible? I dunno. Hahaha. Is it really possible to let go of possibilities? Another question to ponder on. AND! Am I a possibility? AND! Could someone be your possibility? YEHES. AMPF. My mushy side is showing, it's not nice :)))

I'm going to sleep. That would be better. I'll finish this some other time :P

PS. Happy birthday greetings to: Riza, Nikki, and, my sister, Marian! :D

Feel Me, Fill Me

I am starting a blog post for the nth time in two weeks. I am so frustrated by how much I pressure myself with coming up with decent entries. I am trying here, but it seems this is a major writer's block (that is if I could consider myself a writer). Well anyways, I'll just rattle away with these:

• Someday, someone will be lucky to have you :)
• Sunday Morning, The Way You Look Tonight, Shy That Way, Everything, Almost Lover
  
• High school High school High school
• RG
• Living far far faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away from the city
• When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake.
• Org work
• Bargains
• You have to decide what’s most important to you. Keeping your pride and getting nothing or taking a risk and maybe, maybe having everything.
• Dates
• Cutting
• Dropping
• Singing
• McDonald's AAAAHMAZING ads
• Burnout issues
  

Time for coffee. Good night.

Can't Sleep On This Tonight

"See once in a while when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
'Til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.
Singing stop this train
I want to get off and go home again
I can't take this speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train"

- John Mayer (Stop This Train)