It's White Day

Hoping, but not expecting, something nice for today :)

The Places I Have Come to Fear the Most

Maybe I have been

Looking at the places that

Were wrong to start with.

by Ian. Sat. Nov 26.11:43pm.

Pouring It Out (aka Ranting)

I've been actually thinking of deleting this Blogger account. But I just can't. Somehow being in this relatively secluded area of the net just makes it more home-y for very personal posts, just as this one will be.

Let's start with how it's been for me the previous semester.

For the past months I have been really busy with practicum and to tell you (that is if anyone is reading this) honestly, it wasn't so easy. Waking up in the early hours of the day isn't how it's been for me in the past years. So I had to drag myself off my bed almost everyday. Once I get home in the evenings, I'd find myself falling back into it in no time. Every single day was tiring.

The time I spent in between waking up and literally falling to sleep ain't so bad anyway. My mornings are spent with the cutest bunch of children I believe I could ever encounter in my whole life. Their energy, their smiles, and their undeniable and unconscious cuteness are just a few of the things that make me ever so thankful I am in this career path. I get a bit frustrated at times, and yes I always get tired, but the happiness and the satisfaction I get when I see them is more than enough to fuel me up and keep on teaching.

The afternoons are reserved for my classes, some of them so painstaking considering that they were not to meant to be so. After class activities, aka org work, eat me up after classes too, so no wonder I get home just wanting to sleep despite a lot paperworks and readings. I don't quite know how I managed to actually get it through the sem with 15 units, 4 days of practicum a week, 3 school organizations and another org in the community.

I myself am amazed with how I feel so accomplished with me finishing the sem without getting seriously sick. I guess it was because of the children and the inspiration I get from them. I am so happy that I am able to do what I love and love what I do in this professioncalling.

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But of course last sem wasn't just about me teaching and enjoying despite the tiresome activities of everyday. My head wasn't just filled with cute cuddly childlike things and stuff like that. In fact, at the times I got to take a breather from all the pracitcum-ing and org work-ing and stuff, my head just fills up with so much thoughts... mostly about me being another year older.

I turned 20 last August and, God, I just feel old. I mean, if I take a look back in my life, there ain't a real "shining" point there. I just feel so incapable of stuff. I see 19-year-olds dancing their way to fame, power and authority and witness how they change lives of a billion fangirls by just speaking in heavily-accented English. I see my classmates going places and doing amazing stuff that I never really imagined they could do at all. And I see myself, well, just like this.

So yes, I've been comparing myself and I know that ain't right. But man, I need to know what I really would do in the future. I mean, there are a lot of paths I could take after college, I just ain't sure which one I' d take. I am not quite even sure if I really want to teach. I might get easily burnt out from teaching almost everyday, and I am afraid that if that happens, I'll eventually hate it.

Hmm, I'll just most likely study Hangul and leave for Korea and fangirl there, for it seems I am actually good at "supporting" people. Sounds good to me.


Another thing that bothered me upon turning 20 is my love life. Somehow I have charted my plan in life and I have told myself that I should be married by 25 (26 the latest), have a child at 28, and a pair of fraternal twins at around 32 (35 the latest). And from how my non-existent love life is doing right now, this plan ain't so feasible after all. One of my close boy buds say it is bullshit to chart my life like that. And I can't help but agree. I gotta live in the moment right? But I can't help planning this up in my mind 'cause I JUST DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD ALONE.

I am so not open to the possibility of not finding "the one". I am so not gonna be one of the victims of the family's curse of first-borns having everything but a family of his own. I am so scared of not finding someone who I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone with such captivating eyes. Someone with a smile so bright and happy that it makes me smile even in my darkest day. Someone who wouldn't mind me taking pictures of him. Someone who would love taking silly photos of us together. Someone who would love taking pictures of me. Someone who'd cuddle with me before going to sleep, and wake me up with sweet kisses in the morning. Someone who'd laugh with me when I don't get scrambled eggs right, and eventually help me cook properly after. Someone who'd sing me "Now and Forever" and smile at me and kiss me sweetly when he's done singing. Someone who'd not be afraid of being silly even in public and especially patient and courageous in doing KPop dances with me. Someone who wouldn't mind me talking to him in Korean or English or Filipino or Taglish or Bicolano or Batangueno. Someone who could get along my mood swings. Someone who enjoys traveling. Someone who enjoys experiencing new things. Someone who is passionate about his craft. Someone who wouldn't mind taking long walks at night just to get home. Someone who'd wrap his arms around me while I cry over the Koreanovelas I watch. Someone who'd find me beautiful despite my large eyes and even larger eyebags. Someone who'd love me even when I'm 50 pounds heavier during pregnancy, and remind me that I will forever be beautiful. Someone who'd try his best to take care of our children despite his jitters. Someone who'll take pride and cherish his children. Someone who'll love his family more than anything else. Someone who sees the world in such a way that it gives you hope in it. Someone who enjoys sleeping in and staying in on the weekends, sipping on hot cocoa with marshmallows and an endless supply of home-made chewy chocolate chip cookies. Someone who'd wait for me before he starts eating his dinner, just like how my lolo and lola does. Someone named Lee Onew would do. LOL. How I wish. As you can see, I am so desperate for someone right now haha. To tell you honestly, I'd love to have a lovestory like this:

I'd loveto have a snob photographer prince who'll turn into a sarcastic yet sweet and passionate lover. Waaaa. Okay. Must. Control. Self.


They say that real love waits, and that good things come to those who wait. But right now all I could do is ask these questions: How long must I wait? Is there anyone to wait for at all? Who am I waiting for? Is he waiting on me too? Is he looking for me? Should I be looking or just be waiting? Am I waiting at the right place? Are we looking at the right place, for the right person? Again, how long must I keep on waiting?


Sometimes I can't help but ask: is there something wrong with me? I know I am not that pretty, not that feminine. But hey, I'd like to believe I am quite fine as I am. I dunno. Sometimes this issue just gets my confidence level down the drain. But I don't wanna be all crybaby, 'cause I know that won't get me anywhere. It's just sad seeing that people around me have somehow found someone, and here I am wondering where in the world I could find someone who'll make things even better than they are.

I guess I myself am not ready, with all the issues I have with myself and my insecurities. I just hope that when I am ready, he'll be there. And that we'll both be ready when that time comes.

I don't want to keep on jumping from one crush/ fling (whatever you call it) to another, 'cause it just leaves me even more frustrated in finding "the one". And those can utterly destroy friendships. But somehow I can't help but love the rush they give me, the little kilig moments and the not-so-subtle landi moments. I just hope that in the end, I'll really find the one.



In the end, I am hopeful that I'll eventually find what and who I am really meant for. I guess I just really have to be patient with myself and with the world.

Different

They say you do not to find someone better.
You find someone
different.

Should we say adieu?

I'm trying my best to be efficient and I think this blogger account is getting in the way. I'm thinking of making the most out of my tumblr account. So maybe, adieu to this blog?

It's full of my crappiness anyway and I think I'm done with that. Time to be mature about things.

Questions

Is loving yourself almost like being selfish as well?
How do you love yourself and not be selfish?
How come some are selfish but do not love themselves?

Is it insecurity?
Maybe insecurity is being selfish because you want to love yourself more.
Does being insecure mean you love yourself because you want to love yourself more than you love others?
Or is it just pure selfishness after all?

Here I go again

Frustration.

I don't think anyone would understand.

I feel so lonely.